Our tongue-in-cheek look at The Bachelorette, focusing on the three South Carolina men after DeAnna’s heart.
Boring first half hour. A quick look at the eye candy makes me think our guys are in trouble.
Luke, right, seems really nice (oyster farmer), but he’s missing about 30 pounds of muscle and four inches (of height, perverts) that these other guys have.
Jon, below, is fretting over his hair — 10 whole minutes (amateur) — and he still doesn’t get it right.
9:26: “First impressions are everything,” she says. Oh, poor Luke.
The host, “We’ve got lots of interesting guys … even an oyster farmer from South Carolina.”
Oh, poor Luke.
9:30: She says “fixin’.” There might be hope for Luke after all.
Jon is the first local guy out of the car. He all but runs past the Bachelorette. Is there an open bar inside?
Donato, right, is the second local guy. She spins him around. He tries to dash inside (there must be an open bar), but she won’t let him go. That’s a good sign for Don.
9:42: Luke gets his introduction.
“Tell me something funny,” she says.
Luke: “You look great … wait, that’s not funny.”
Ten guys go home tonight! We’re screwed.
9:52 p.m.: This house looks like a fire hazard.
Luke gets some alone time. He gives her a pearl necklace. That’s right, guilt the rose out of her.
Her: “I didn’t know they had surfing in South Carolina.” What?! This girl is from Georgia, for Pete’s sake.
Donato is drunk: “You gave her a pearl necklace,” he says, before turning to the California chef. “And you gave her crabs … dip.” He ends up getting felt up by the virgin (not the Bachelorette).
10:06: The BFF comes out to help pick the guys. She’s taking notes.
Another guy brought the Bachelorette a fake diamond. Yeah, but it ain’t on a necklace! Right, Luke?
Donato tells the BFF to sit on his lap. Her: “NEXT!”
Yeah, we’re screwed.
A freaky guy tells DeAnna, “Some blogger from New Jersey could write something about you that’s B.S.” No, that blogger is in South Carolina.
10:19: Some guy strips down to his swim suit, with “DeAnna” printed on the butt. I feel like I’m watching Bravo all the sudden.
Another guy, who DeAnna really likes, gets a little alone time. “You’re from South Carolina?” she asks. No, we could only be so lucky.
Host: “Who will get a rose, and who will lose their chance at love … forever.” For some reason I think at least Donato is going to be able to bounce right back from this one.
10:30: On Luke’s necklace: “It’s like he was giving me a part of him,” DeAnna says. That’s promising.
10:42: Time to hand out the roses. There are 12 left.
Divorced barber gets one.
The guy from North Carolina who she likes gets one.
The Greek guy gets one.
They pan to Donato looking plastered.
The chef gets one. Who’s the crabs … dip now?
Shawn gets one. Don’t know who that is.
The virgin gets one.
Chris gets one. Don’t know him either.
Pan to Luke looking uncomfortable.
The swimsuit guy gets a rose.
Fred and Twilly gets roses. Man, I must have slept through half this thing.
The single dad (who hasn’t told her about his son) gets a rose.
Last rose goes to … the old guy.
Pan to Luke wondering if he’ll get that pearl back. He comes up to hug her and she thanks him. Luke is a real nice guy.
“I’m just a country boy, I’m not used to this,” he said. Really good guy (translation: he has no business on a reality dating show).
So, all three South Carolina guys are sent home. All we have left is the guy from North Carolina that she thought was from South Carolina. Well, there’s always Rock of Love III.
2 Comments
The Bachelorette Reminds me Why I am Single!
Did you see The new Bachelorette, DeAnna, the other night? I watched most of it while cleaning up and my thoughts were, “This is the best you have?” DeAnna is from Newnan, GA. I grew up right down the road so I wanted to check out the show. The Bachelorette is only 26; so you would think they could find great single guys in that age group! Maybe now that she has eliminated 10 guys; some of these men will show more depth or character.
One very tattooed guy (she did not give a rose) ripped his shirt and started howling at the moon. Another dives into the pool and and then strips down and has her name on his underwear. Another pulls up his shirt and makes poor DeAnn rub his abs. Guys! Come on! One thing I think men do not understand (and I am sure women are just as guilty) on dating sites men always describe the things about themselves they like in a women verses showcasing the qualities women tend to be attracted to. I think these men were interested in seeing skin so they showed their skin.
One seemingly sweet guy was an oyster farmer. That sounds sorta interesting until he describes the profession, “You lean down and pick them up.” This guy did bring DeAnn a gift which was sweet.
Believe me there are plenty of men in Newnan that will bare all or make a living picking things off the ground DeAnn has to choose from at home. I hope she finds the love of her life;but if she does not DeAnn let me send you a copy of Princess Bubble and remember true happily ever is not about finding a prince. But loving God, helping others and liking who you are already. Chances are this show will end like most of the other Bachelor/Bachelorette shows and De Ann will continue her search for Mr. Right in the real world. We hope you find him and can share
This is hilariously funny! Great article- my thoughts were exactly the same. Props to Luke, our oyster farmer, for being the sweetest guy there: the author is right- you have no business being on such a show.